It’s not about perfection.

Always been more comfortable curled up in bed with a book in my hand. Any book will do but preferably a chick flick. No, I’m certainly not a deep soul, nor am I a brooding intellectual. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I’m no social butterfly. Being with unfamiliar people drains me emotionally. Frankly speaking, new people intimidate me. You see, a lot of me is an uncanny mixture of things that should never be mixed. I don’t particularly enjoy being alone but at the same time I really detest being in huge crowds of people, where I have to work hard to find something to talk about. I have surface knowledge about most things of conversation, but theres nowhere in which my interest runs deep. I find it hard to bond with people, mostly because I don’t trust myself enough around new people. I hate meaningless socialising and yet I fear deep bonding moments. I don’t fit one end of the spectrum well enough, in fact my moods often swing from one end straight to the other.

Simply put , confession no 1; i don’t like socialising because i fear rejection.

Rather be alone than rejected eh.

No more descriptives. Think think think talk talk talk but I never reach a conclusion for anything.
So what’s the point of thinking and talking, might as well just not think and talk.
I’ll never understand me.

I hate every bit of the person I’ve allowed myself to be.

I’m not going to stay this way.

will come piccas!

this is for Branda – grumpy simeon!! =) but still very very cute.

Brendan scared him and he jumped. Now he’s afraid of Brendan.

the scarer and the scaree =)

having extra oats in my cupboard, I decided to make a healthy cupcakes. Apple and carrot cupcakes – only 1/6 cup of oil and a tiny bit of margarine. And they turned out perfectly shaped too!

Let me show all the common mistakes that people make when taking selfies.

#1 – cutting out a portion of face

– no mouth

#2- Moving during the shot

-blur piccies

#3- too close up

– all the flaws of the face highlighted

#4- Hair not positioned correctly

# 5- Not big enough smile

And finally,

still not there yet but Branda you get how my spectacles look like.

Random thoughts have been wandering into my head. Some helpful and some very unhelpful indeed. I wish I were stronger and could handle my feelings better. Feel overwhelmed by life at the moment. I wonder how I could love Christ more and I want too but these feelings die away and I find myself in the same routine of hopelessness and selfishness.

Like Paul in Romans when he says what I will, I do not do but what I hate I do. For to will is present within me but how to perform what is good i do not find, for the good that I will to do, I do not do but the evil I will not do that I practice. But that’s not to say that I give up and do continue in sin because how can we who died to sin live any longer in it. Do you see the tension, the difficulty of having that will to do good but not being able to put it into practice.  But Christ freed us from the tension didn’t He?

Reading from Mark this way is pretty amazing. Looking at Peter’s perspective is really refreshing. Peter is very much like the modern day christian, with the intent to follow Christ untill His death, openly declaring His devotion for Christ and yet still fleeing when trouble came. Today in Mark 10 we see Peter bopping up and down saying ‘see Christ, I gave up everything for you. See see see, look at meeeee!’ peter is strangely familiar to me.

I’ve also been thinking about my relationship with the boyfriend. Am I helping him grow to be a better person or am I just doing what is easiest? is being with me helpful and edifying for his christian life? And am I encouraging to him to let go of hate and contempt? to keep check of his temper or is giving in too much just spoiling him? How about my own life?

The occasional thoughts about graduation, Japan, honours, needing to conduct another small group ed, how to lose weight, how to keep in touch with people I’m neglecting, how to not be emotionally invested in only the bf, how to love my family more, other people, overcoming personal problems takes up the other portion of my mind.

People are strange. There are some that you love, some you hate, some you don’t feel anything towards and some that you don’t know whether to love or to hate. It’s the people in the final category that are annoying because I rather not feel anything towards them.

I realised today that the entire Bible is history and has already happened and I’m only waiting for God’s final fulfilment of revelation. I want heaven to be full of people.

Wondering how do I keep my life simple?